Come With Me to Nascar and I'll Show You My Six Pack

This is pretty darn cool. Wish I would have done it to my midsection. This guy probably has six or seven supermodels in his dating loop. Enjoy. If you've seen this before, then I'm sorry I didn't show you first.

Facebook Statuses Kill Me

I'm addicted to Facebook because people get on there and absolutely kill me on a daily basis with their status updates. I've been so close on multiple occasions to sending some people a private message offering my consulting skills in regards to what they should and shouldn't post as status updates. Instead, I've categorized them by the type of status updater they seem to be. This list needs to get longer with your additions. Here we go...

The My-Life-is-Perfect Updater. This one is obvious to spot. It is chock full of exclamation points, and regardless of what it is, from cooking broccoli, to running a half-marathon, to taking a big crap, they make it sound like it's the best thing ever.

The My-Life-Sucks Updater. This is the opposite of the previous. They find something on a daily basis that sucks, and they make sure to tell everyone on their Facebook update. It could be as minor as a hang nail and they'd make sure that all their Facebook friends knew about it.

The World Traveler Updater. Sometimes when people go on a vacation, it becomes more important to update their Facebook status about their vacation, then to actually enjoy their vacation. And, it sucks to constantly hear about the awesome places people visit when you're at home or work.

The My-Kids-Are-the-Best Updater. I feel like millions of kids in America are neglected while their parents are updating Facebook about how funny/smart/big/cute/whatever their kids are. I hope I'm not that Dad someday. It's one thing to post something very unique about the kid. I get that. I don't get the daily updates.

The I'm-Smarter-Than-You Updater. This usually comes from somebody who is a part of some schooling, or program, or career, or club, or whatever. I get it already. You are better than the rest of us in your own eyes. You made it clear to us yesterday.

The I've-Got-to-Keep-My-Fans-Updated Updater. I don't know what to say about this one.

The Politically-Motivated Updater. Right now, these people are out in full force because they hate Obama and want to make sure everyone knows it.

The Exerciser Updater. Usually women who want people to know they just went to the gym, or they are going to the gym, or they are thinking about the gym, or they had a dream about the gym, or the gym just called and said to come over.

The Too-Much-Information Updater. I didn't know you were lactose intolerant and I find it weird that I found out on Facebook.

The Read-More Updater. If it's too long, then put it on your blog.

The Emotional-Mess Updater. Usually women, these updaters can be identified by the frequent posts that take you on a depressing ride of big ups, and bigger downs. It feels like people are breaking up BY THE MINUTE, and getting back together the next.

I could go on forever but I'd rather have you contribute with what your typical friend pool is like.

Joel the Basement Geisha

I don't even know what a Geisha is, but I think I look like one here with the beaver added for effect. Who puts embarrassing photos of their self on the internet? Joel does. Whose wife puts embarrassing photos of her husband as her laptop's desktop wallpaper? Mine does.

"So Joel... Tell us what really happened at Taco Bell in Cedar City?"

So a short while back, Jill and I were driving home from St. George. We had yet to eat anything for the day, and decided to stop in Cedar City for something. We both like Taco Bell enough, and seeing as it topped the other options close to the freeway, we obliged. We were going to do a drive thru, but decided we both needed to pee so we headed on inside. This Taco Bell had two bathrooms, both of which were single-seat bathrooms. Well, the men's door read "occupied", which led me to believe that some huge man was dropping a giant helping of grossness, while at the same time filling the air with years of hatred and disgust. So, without even thinking, I decided to enter with my wife, figuring that she'd pee, then I'd pee, then we'd be on our way, while so-and-so would probably still be in the men's trying to recover and the green thing above the handle would still read "occupied". People, I really had to pee, and it made no sense to risk waiting outside for Jill to go first only to be bumped out of order by some other female who rightfully would go ahead of me while I sat waiting for that dude to cut things off. The plan was executed to perfection, and in an extremely short time, we were out of that petri dish. Taco Bell is good going in, not so good going out, and we had no intentions of staying in that bathroom any longer than necessary.

Well, we exit, happily mind you because we are naturally happy people, to a woman in Taco Bell manager attire, arms folded, dike-spike fully crispy from it's morning gel application, no more than five feet three inches tall, and round as fruit in the mid-section. She actually kind of looked like Clay Aiken, but with Harry Potter's glasses.


She immediately asked in her most abrasive voice what we were doing in there, to which I responded smilingly that we were using the bathroom. She then opens up a can on us explaining how Taco Bell is a family restaurant, and there were children that saw us go in there together. I told her we were married, and definitely not the type to get it on in a fast-food restaurant, and how Javier Gross-Bottom was in the men's making a disease. At this point, she was annoyed by my sarcastic smiling face, and told me she should have us arrested for indecent exposure, to which I replied sarcastically, "really?" And subsequently told her that she was quite surprisingly rude. It was a nice exchange, and one in which I feel I was the clear winner.

Needless to say, we enjoyed no burritos, tacos, or gorditas that afternoon. However, we did get an attempted helping of dike-like aggression, animosity, and anger, all not my favorite. Just because you may like women doesn't mean you can hate on a man.

Observations Eight Months In By Joel

Marriage has created an increase in knowledge for me. I thought I'd share some of my learnings with you. Let's begin "Observations Eight Months In By Joel." I warn you, I'm not straying far from some of the most touched-upon themes of this blog.

#1. Never again will I try and give my wife a fart transplant and expect to be friends immediately after. Bad move, lesson learned.

#2. When I don't want to hang up clothes that are still clean, the hiding spot behind the hamper is no longer a good place.

#3. If I've been picking, scratching, or biting my hands, nose, feet, bum crack, nacho, tool box, or anywhere else, it is entirely unreasonable to expect my wife to cuddle, hold hands, make babies, etc., immediately, or even shortly thereafter.

#4. If you're not going to wash your hands after using the bathroom, at least run the water for a second to avoid inquisition and potential harassment.

#5. If I roll a booger, or pick a toenail/fingernail and don't dispose of it properly, my wife will surely find out. It's like hot coals on cold feet, she knows what she's stepping on.

#6. It's not okay to watch the same episode of SportsCenter back to back.

#7. Hell, damn, ass, biznitch all count as swear words regardless of the context.

#8. Assume the fan needs to go on in the toilet room even if I don't think it does. And a little spray of something. Poopy is still always worse than froopy (fruity and poopy), so don't worry if the fruit spray you throw into the air doesn't totally mask your gross bottom.

#9. When someone else is washing your clothes, consider an extra wipe or two, and maybe even finish with a wet wipe.

#10. I cannot be held responsible for anything that I did in my wife's dreams/nightmares. She tried to hold me accountable, but we worked it out.

#11. Mose (my pug) immediately becomes "my" dog, instead of "our" dog, when he does something naughty.

#12. If I commit to getting up early in the morning and doing something by my own free will, and then subsequently don't, I will be held accountable.

#13. The old-school approach of eating, and then sitting on the couch while my wife does the dishes hasn't worked since at least the mid 90's.

#14. Text messages do have a tone, regardless of trying to convince my wife otherwise. Ending with a smiley face can help.

#15. Using my size as a means of torture via tickling, belly blows, and restraint are not going to build much F.U. (family unity).

You know me, always learning. I'm curious as to what you, or your spouse has learned in your first year of a relationship/marriage and/or subsequent years. Enlighten me.

This is how we do it in the 801

Who knew Utah had this kind of talent? Some of the best stuff on Youtube in it's history.

My Wife Killed the Soul of Some TMobile Guy

TMobile was driving me nuts for about a four-week span. I wasn't getting any calls through, my texts weren't going out, all kinds of crap. I was furious. I called in on multiple occasions with the fury of Satan in my words to no avail. Things were not improving in the slightest, and TMobile wouldn't let us out of the contract without paying the retarded early termination fee. Well, that all changed when my wife got on the phone...

I didn't know she had it in her, but she sure did. I'd been speaking to this guy for about a half-an-hour trying to figure out what to do. My wife was driving and I was in the passenger seat. She gave me a look of pure death and stated (not asked) "Give me the phone." What ensued was pure awesomeness. The guy had previously been telling me that he was taking notes, and scheduling a service call for the 4Th time, blah, blah, blah. My wife tore into him like a lion after a fast. It was terrifying. She kept telling that guy how horrible TMobile was, and how their customer service sucks, and how taking notes on our file never gets anything done. She just kept repeating loudly, "What are you going to do?" The guy would say something, and she'd reply, "No. I'm tired of you doing that. What are you going to do?" It was relentless. It felt like I was watching a tiger chase down a rabbit, and then just slap it silly prior to completely devouring it. On a more realistic scale, she became the meanest mother in the whole world and made this grown man into her 7-8 year old son.

So, the poor dude puts her on hold, and she gives the phone back to me. He comes back on five minutes later and proceeds to tell me that he got the cancellation fee waived, and that we could take our numbers to our new provider. Keep in mind that they had told us three times already that it's impossible to get it waived unless you move to a no-coverage area. Moral of the story is call my wife when you can't get things done. Amen.

The Simpler Things/Times

This guy is funny.



You can thank Jeremy Hill for brightening our day with some good comedy.

How To Insult Your Spouse (Based On Previous Experience)

I invite you all to comment and thus we can all become more qualified to offend our spouses together. I'll start things off. These will remain anonymous. None belong to me (wink, wink, nudge, nudge). Seriously though, people I know have said some pretty funny/rude/terrible/awesome things to their wives, or husbands. Let's begin...

"Are you being serious right now or is this hormonal?"

"If I wanted a roller coaster ride I would have gotten a pass to Lagoon!"

"I seriously need a vacation from your hormones."

"If I only had my wife's legs in high school, I'd be in the NFL right now!"

To the man, "Honey, you look like you're pregnant." (emphasis on YOU'RE)

To the woman, "You fart like a guy." (emphasis on GUY)

To the woman, "When was the last time you showered?"

To the man, "I wish I knew you when you didn't have a double chin."

To the man after surgery that greatly inhibited the intake of food, "So you finally started that diet you've been talking about since we got married."

To the woman, "Women use hormones as an excuse way too much."

To the woman, "Now I know what crazy looks like."

That should be enough for starters. Don't be shy. Hide your identity if you'd like. I'm anxious for some new material to implement in my own home. Just kidding, Jill. Have a wonderful day.

Cell Phone Sniper

I know, I know, you are all angry about the lack of posts. Well, to that I say whatever. Just kidding. It's mostly because I'm lazy. Let's talk about a new game you can play during these economically hard times. It's called Cell Phone Sniper. It's the best game ever! Here is how you play.

1. You go to Wal-Mart with at least one other person.
2. You both have cell phones, preferably with free minutes. So maybe you should play after 9pm.
3. You start at the same place in the store, and then you head separate directions without turning back to look at the other player.
4. After a minute, you call the other players. My phone usually can only conference call two other people.
5. You ask the other person "ITEM", and they proceed to tell you an item that is in their immediate location, like cereal, or cheese, or tampons, or whatever. At that point, the other player gets to ask you "ITEM", to which you respond. You can only ask "ITEM" once the other player has asked. In other words, you can't constantly be asking unless they are constantly asking.
6. You are now trying to get a visual on the other player which equals a kill. You tell them you've got them by saying "got you" first. Then you proceed to direct their vision to where you are. Rarely is there a tie.
7. You cannot hide in the displays. You have to stay in regular walking areas. You also cannot run. You have to act like a regular customer as much as possible.

Kill, or be killed people. Call me if you want to play. Jill is undefeated so far. A big 1-0.

Pug Skills

If only I could do this.... Joel, in a handstand, naked by the bushes....



I've got some training to expose Mose to. Wish me luck.

Tom Crazy Cruise!

What would we do if Tom Cruise wasn't trying hard to keep us entertained? I don't know. I really don't know. Thanks Tom! You've come a long ways since Risky Business and Top Gun! Let's enjoy some of your latest and greatest clips, as well as some "covers" of your latest and greatest. Let's start with scientology, and let's let Jerry O'Connell to do a sweet cover. Here we go!

Wow Tom! KSW Brother. KSW.

I think Jerry does it better. You tell me.

Jerry O'Connell in the parody video Tom Cruise WANTS you to see! by Jerry Minor

Thanks Tom and Jerry for helping me blog again.